I am infact Lord of the Flies...

Yeah, so that book was crap. Not that I don't believe almost all I read is crap. Hell, tomorrow, i'll read this, and declare it crap. I can feel it coming already.

Of recent, the new place has been overtaken by a mass of flies. They all appear to be harmless houseflies, but I'm still in constant fear for my life. It got so bad, that last night, at like 2 am, I ran over to the 24 hour Wallgreens and bought fly paper.

First, let me tell you that flypaper is in fact, not paper at all. It's this spool of dark yellow semi-transparent paper. And, it's sticky... No shit. It's not the most attractive thing in the world, but the mass of flies is even less appealing.

Second, I thought flypaper would be a humane way to solve the problem. At first, I tried to use the vaccum, which was stupid. Well, it was only stupid because we don't actually have a vaccum, so I ended up using the landlord's steam cleaner that has been sitting in the living room for about a month now. I'm not sure if it's because the thing doesn't have all that much suction power, or I'm really just not all that ninja with a vaccum, but it didn't work. I don't mean it didn't work like... Wow, this is inefficent why don't we find another solution? I mean, I waved the stupid ass vaccum hose around at flies for about 6 minutes before I cursed it, and the flies, and the Pope. I don't know, the Pope just has an attitude problem. I'm offically sick of his ass. Wait a second, am I going to hell for the pope thing, or for mercilessly slaughtering over a hundred house flies?

Point of reference, if you ever have a fly problem. First, always blame your jackass roommate. It's working wonders so far. Second, find the source of the problem. In this scenerio it was caused by a bag of Taco Bell that'd fallen behind the stove, which some how doubles as the place to throw food trash. So, on to the fun of fly paper.

Here's whats so funny about flypaper. I chose not to use some sort of posionous spray for the flies, not because I thought that was wrong or mean or what not. I didn't use it, because I didn't want to spray fucking poison all over my place. Yet, I smoke... Ironic, don't you think? Either way, being as I assumed fly paper was not only the most effective, but also the most humane way to solve the issue at hand, I start to strategically place the spooled strands around our place.

Fly paper is evil. It is seriously mean spirited. I mean, I was super pissed about having a hundred new roommates and all, but I didn't want to make them suffer through some Hanoi Hell omage. Fly paper doesn't kill flies. I doesn't. There's no poison or chemical that kills the fly in a short time span. Basically, the fly gets stuck to the paper, struggles a little, then becomes permanently attached. You've got to remember that the fly is relatively unharmed. It's not like the fly paper shivs it in the stomache, and it bleeds out. No, it's just stuck there. For hours. I kid you not, I litterally mean hours. I watched the same three flies wave their little legs aimlessly for almost 3 hours before they finally gave up and died. That's some crazy shit.

Let me lay this out in a fashion that's just a little more relative to the average man, on his average day. Let's say you're out taking a walk after dinner. We'll just assume your middle age metabolism is starting to fail you, and you've got to put forth just a little effort to keep the love handles from being visible. Either that, or you hate your wife and kids, and your precious private little after dinner stroll is your only opportunity to smoke and stare at the neighborhood's collective chest. Remember, we're paralleling a fly in this story, so yes, you are a dirty bastard. So, you take another step, much like the last, with out expending conscious thought on it, and suddenly you're unable to lift your foot when it comes to be it's turn again in the simple rotation. You panic, you can't move either of your feet. You start to flail and call for help, but the struggle only causes you to lose your balance and fall to the side. Now, you've got half your face, your shoulder, your hip, your calf, and finally your foot stuck to the sidewalk. You call for help, you can't move your head or see anything. You're just stuck. You're relatively unharmed, you can feel your ego bruising over though. At first, you think of how you'll laugh and joke with your friends and family over the experience. Just as soon as someone comes to your aid that is. Suddenly, you hear a concerned voice inquire as to weather or not you're alright. Before you can take a moment to briefly explain the situation, you hear her shrill of panic, and feel the ground softly tremble as she tumbles to her doom behind you. So, you're there, she's there, you're both stuck to the pavement. You start talking for a while, trying to keep both of you calm. She is actually a banker, you'd met her before, she'd iniatally denied your application for your home loan. You resent her, except if you weren't so persisant, you wouldn't be straddled with this family and house which you despise. Nor, of course, would you find yourself permanently attached to the pavement. All of it becomes strikingly irrelavent as you come to realize this is in fact how you're going to die. She's still a few steps behind you, i think she was at bargaining when you hit acceptance. So, you know you're going to die in a really crap fashion. You stop waving around your free arm and leg, realizing that you're really tiring yourself for no reason. You sleep, you try to sleep as much as possible. Even when the sun bakes you in the mid-day, you try to sleep. The hunger pains had set in a day past, and the dehydration won't even allow you to pee on yourself any more. Eventually, you just close your eyes, never to open them again.

So, yeah, fly paper is a bit inhumane then. Not that the ACLU or PETA are all that up in arms over the situation, I beg of you, do the right thing. Get a newspaper, fold it over twice, and with a swift downward stroke, crush the little bugger. He never saw it coming, he doesn't realize what's happening, he's just dead.

Thats the lot from me for now.

-Rys4K

p.s.- Damn, this is crap...