I mean, no offense and all, but you're fucked in the head... Right?

You hope, and you dream, but you never believe that something's going to happen for you... not like in the movies... and when it actually does, you want it to feel different, more visceral, more real...I was waiting for it to hit me, but it just wouldn't happen.

So, it's 11:30, on Thursday. It's still Thursday I believe. If you're not all that good at movie quotes, i'm watching "The Beach" at the moment. I just had a conversation with myself, well thats not all that accurate. She was on the other end of the line. Well, hell, that in itself isn't all that accurate either. Cellphones don't have lines, it's not an appropriate reference. The word conversation usually conveys an exchange of words between two or more people. It seems unfair in a way to be let down by it, considerably, if I were her i'd be beat and disinterested in conversation also. It is difficult to be out boozing and living it up until 3 am or so, then go off to work at 6:30...

"When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe this is exactly the person for you... It doesn't need to be a good reason, taking photographs of the night sky for example, now in the long run, thats just the kind of dumb irratating habit would cause you to split up... But, in the haze of infatuation it's just what you've been searching for all these years..."

I've really got to look into who wrote this movie... So, Alex Garland wrote the novel, while John Hodge did the screenplay. Collectively I blame them for such madness as Trainspotting and 28 Days Later.

It honestly amazes me how appropriate the quote above seems at the moment. As are most things in the world, this situation would appear to have two very distinct angles. Pessimism in general seems healthy. It keeps us grounded in a sense of reality, it keeps our lofty goals from breaking our back. Theres a bit of contrast though, doubt can keep us from ever achieving.

Men are from Venus, women are from Mars. I never believed that to be true... Everyone's from here on Earth, it's just our perceptions vary so much. Funniest thing about it, I imagine in private, we all really think the same... Her girlfriends warn her to tread wary, and my guy friends say play it cool boy. Everyone's friends want what they believe to be best for one another respectfully.

There's just cause, fair reason on both ends. Perhaps she in turn isn't quite done with her last relationship. Emotionally unavablible and all. And me, Me, I fucked up. Went big too. I'd said somethings that played directly to her fears. While I never intended to offend, infact i did think I was being honest and straight forward, I did. And while regret never got anyone anywhere, and apologies only strain so far, I'm stuck here trying to make right my wrongs. And, I just want to give in, and break down, and tell her the launch codes to my nuclear arsenal. Yeah, that was a charming little reference there. I want to lay out all my chips amongst the table, and allow the dice to fall where they may. I want to tell her all the things I've ever done wrong, and see if she'll still look me in the eyes. I want to give in, and let the road take me.

The point I was trying to make here. The paths can look too much alike. The road signs have so much in common. The illusions infatuation can lay forth look so much alike the road to happiness. Some difficulty lie there in. Here's the honest truth though, it really doesn't matter. Of recent i've thrived in the extremes of human emotion, the ups and downs, i've rode the waves, and i've really never felt more alive. So, albeit the road to heart broken despair or the route to true happiness, it's really only the journey that matters.

"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all" - Helen Keller

-Rys4K

p.s.- Here's the thing, I don't believe Helen Keller was capable of conveying such complex thought... It's like that Ape that knows sign language... It isn't saying a damned thing, it's just idling waving it's hands.