It's Two AM, Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

Point of fact, it's actually a lot nearer 2:30, and this most recent cup of coffee most likely wasn't a great idea...

So, I was drunk all of two hours ago. Floating around almost fully conscious, with a good majority of my motor functions in tact. It was the residual effect of sitting through three hours of the longest, saddest and coldest baseball game I've attended in sometime. A little life advice, drinking only makes you feel warmer, you're not actually any warmer the weather just seems a bit more bearable ... but still, drinking makes you feel warmer... try it.

Upon my return home I could've just stumbled up the stairs and fell softly into bed. Well, most likely it'd not been the most graceful descent... I have missed the bed before...

Either way, I chose to stay up. Initially without purpose, I just didn't feel like my day should've ended yet. Thats unfortunately common for me when I feel I'm not achieving enough. Not only do I not like going to bed, dragging myself out of bed in the morning becomes a bit more difficult as well.

Eventually, I found something to sink some time into. Monday was the season finale of House, and I'd missed it because I was looking after the girls alongside my... brother-in-law's brother (i just referenced the vast collective knowledge of the internets... we're officially of no relation; so I'm creating the term double-brother-in-law) Johnny Boy. So, again, to the internets to acquire the two most recent episodes, which shared a story line without the ever ominous cliff hanger "to be continued..."

I'll not ruin it for you, but I will mention it's exceptionally well done, not at all predictable and worthy of the ratings and share it received. While that is a normative statement, I just saw the Nielsen's over on the HuffingtonPost.

Wanted to drag one more subject into this post, since i've essentially said nothing thus far.

I know... something a little over personal and a bit dated at this point in time.

So, about a month back I was standing in Virginia's office (I don't remember the number of her office, she's the political science departmental secretary, and a lovely woman) attempting to RSVP for an event that she didn't invite me to. I was in the wrong place, which is not surprising with what little care I put into reading the award letter. This serves as another knee-jerk reaction of socially instilled forced humility, near the end of my college career I stopped reading award letters... I just glanced upon them and moved on. Not a great example, but it serves as a
clever contrast to what I'm about to put forward next. There I stand in front of Virginia attempting to RSVP to an event the political science department wasn't hosting, it was actually a bit of conflation on my part because a week previous i'd RSVP'd for a different event with her. In doing so, I made her aware that I was aware that I was receiving the departmental award. Virginia, being a wonderful individual, was overjoyed that she could finally show me the small metal tag with my name engraved upon it that was to be mounted in perpetuity on the plaque hanging in her office. I was honored in fact, oddly enough because my name would stand throughout the ages beneath the great SJE (an individual I hold in great reverence).

Wheres the contrast you ask? Well, heres where it gets interesting... sorry for the elongated setup there, it was a necessary evil. The name engraved above SJE belonged to someone i'd previously dated. The truly inane thing is it instantly cheapened the entire honor in my mind. It's important to note that she's found some measure of success, after graduating with her bachelors and her JD no less, but she wasn't quite on the level. Now I don't know if she dumbed herself down in my presence, buying into that socially perpetuated myth that men only like women who don't challenge them intellectually, or if she weren't up to snuff all twenty-four hours of the day.

I just realized these look a lot like the rants and tirades of a scorned ex, so i'll add this important and introspective caveat: I too acted differently in the relationship. This is an aside, feel free to skip past it. One of my greatest problems, especially in relationships -- although it's generalizable beyond the intimate realm, is when I come upon something I truly enjoy I spend too much time and energy attempting to keep it, in turn not experiencing it in full and pretty consistently losing it in turn.

These are the sort of things that come about when I'm left only to my thoughts. I actually found my reaction and disappointment in the award a bit humorous.

It ties back to the concept of comparative measure. Often we measure ourselves in terms of others. A is better than B at C. This is incredibly shallow and myopic. First, our capacity and capability have nothing to do with those around us, they offer only a convenient yardstick for an empty comparison. It's meaningless because it's myopic. No longer do we compete only within our own tribe for the largest share of the day's hunt. Be it local, state, national or global the field is now larger than those within an arm's length.

Not to mention, my greatness has nothing to do with the quantifiable gap between myself and my nearest competition. Hell, it's not even got to be quantified or acknowledged or presented or carved into a plaque for all to see.

It's three AM, i'm tapping out.

One last point to make... Benjamin Franklin agrees with another post of mine from some time ago... the quote "O that moral science were in as fair a way of improvement, that men would cease to be wolves to one another, and that human beings would at length learn what they now improperly call humanity."

Cheers,
-Rys